We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We smell like vodka and hangover
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