I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
