I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
