is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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