she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
