Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
