look no pants
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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