before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
this will be a night to untag.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
