he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
