I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
