Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
