Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
