If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
