every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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