Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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