She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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