my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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