Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
