when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
