Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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