I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
