Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
