Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
