I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
