I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
