I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize
