Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
