She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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