remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
