my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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