When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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