Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
