The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
