I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
