Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
