I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
