Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
