That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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