My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
