I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
