I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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