I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
