i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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