I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she pinky promised me she was 18
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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