You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
