You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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