The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have feelings that need drinking.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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