The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
