just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
