we have pet lesbian snakes
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
