I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
