Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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